As a former police officer (I spent nearly 34 years on the job), I got to hear a lot of things that many people have probably never heard. When I discovered that this week's feature Intel was on toilets, I just knew I had to pass on a few stories that I had heard. I cannot vouch for their veracity, but they are great stories anyway. The locations and names of those involved in these incidents will not be mentioned, just to protect everyone.
The first incident involved a female passenger on a bus travelling between two major cities. This passenger had consumed a large double/double coffee at the last stop. She suddenly had the urge to reliever herself and decided that she couldn't wait until getting to the next stop, so she proceeded to the in-bus bathroom in the back corner of the bus.
She had just pulled her slacks and panties down and was lowering herself toward the toilet when the bus took a large lurch to the side (the driver swerved to avoid an oncoming vehicle, passing a semi, from colliding with the bus). Because she was in an awkward position, she lost her balance, catapulted forward, crashing forcefully, shoulder first, into the toilet door. The lock snapped and she flew out, screaming, landing in the lap of an elderly gentleman seated nearby. He looked at her naked lower body, then her face. He smiled and removed his hat. He then said, “Pleased to meet you madam, but I think it's a little early in our relationship for this,” and placed his hat over her exposed private parts. Everyone in the bus cheered and clapped. Holding the hat in place the lady escaped back into the bathroom. A short time later, fully clothed, she stepped out of the cubicle, returned the man's hat with a smile and a thank you, bowed to the rest of the passengers and returned, a little red faced, to her seat.
The second incident involved an airplane. It was a non stop flight from a large west coast city to a large east coast city. The first third of the flight was quite bumpy with the plane being buffeted by turbulence. Passengers were restricted to their seats with their seat belts fastened. The pilot requested permission to ascend to a higher altitude in the hopes of getting above the turbulence. Permission was granted and the plane rose to 50,000 feet. The turbulence dissipated and the seat belt light went out.
A lady rose from her seat and went to a bathroom. She lowered her slacks and panties and sat down and began to relieve herself.
Apparently, some aircraft toilets have a vacuum system that assists the flushing cycle, In this way, less water is used to remove the contents of the toilet bowl.
For some reason, the female passenger activated the flush cycle while still seated. At that exact instant, the plane hit an air pocket and dropped several thousand feet before hitting solid air with a bouncing motion. This motion, coupled with the vacuum of the flushing toilet and the height of the aircraft, sucked the woman's backside down into the toilet. With both her head and feet pointed upward, and her backside jammed into the toilet, she was firmly wedged into place.
A female flight attendant going around checking to see if everyone was alright after the air pocket incident, noticed the occupied sign on the bathroom door. She knocked on the door and asked if everything was OK. She got the muffled reply, “I'm stuck.” She used her pass key to open the door a bit to see what the problem was. When she saw the situation, she entered and attempted to pull the woman out of the toilet. She could not do so and went to get another female flight attendant. Even with two attendants pulling, they could not dislodge the female passenger.
Arrangements were made with the destination location to have an aircraft mechanic board the plane after the rest of the passengers had disembarked. In the interim one of the female attendants volunteered to stay with the victim until the plane was on final approach. Once the plane pulled to a stop, a blanket was placed around the victim to shield her nakedness.
The aircraft mechanic disassembled the toilet so that the seat part and the distressed lady could be carried to a waiting ambulance. She was rushed to a nearby hospital where an emergency department doctor removed the toilet seat. Afterwards he remarked, “I've seen a lot of strange things working in the emergency department, but that is the first time I've ever had to remove a metal toilet seat and use a hacksaw as one of the medical tools.” As I understand it, the passenger was offered free flights with the airline involved, but it is unknown if she ever flew again.
The third incident caused quite a sensation when it occurred.
An elderly couple were sitting in their living room when suddenly the ceiling exploded and sitting on their living room floor was a large blue/green block amid broken plaster, broken pieces of two by four lumber, insulation and broken asphalt roofing tiles.
Once the dust had settled, they could see the sky through the large hole in the ceiling and roof. They phoned 911 and emergency vehicles rushed to the scene.
Authorities looked at the large block sitting amid the debris and were mystified. They called in scientists from a nearby university who stood around hypothesizing on what it could be and where it had come from. The consensus was that it had come from outer space.
All the commotion drew a large crowd and additional police officers were called in to deal with it.
One of the officers dealing with the crowd needed to use the bathroom, so he entered the house. While there, he stepped into the crowded living room to see the mysterious object.
The minute that he saw the object, he started to laugh. A senior police officer glaringly snarled, “What's so funny?” The constable, struggling to contain his mirth, said, “Don't you know what that is?” “No!” came the reply. “And I suppose you do?”
“Yes!” he said. “It's the frozen contents of an airplane toilet holding tank. Somebody must have released it as a plane was coming in for a landing at the airport.”
The city sanitation department was called and came and collected the “space debris.” The scientists returned to the university in humiliation and the constable returned to his duties still laughing.
A quick check with local air traffic control identified the aircraft that had been in the area at the time of the incident and the pilot, as commander of the airplane, was disciplined. The airline whose plane was involved paid for the repairs to the house and compensated the homeowners for the inconvenience and fright they had suffered.
And there you have it! Three great toilet stories.
... Or actually... 
! Boy, I can only imagine... 
